Becoming Zara Read online

I told you. I’m saving the pink spandex for a special occasion.

  I smiled as I pulled out of the parking lot, thoughts about the meeting fiasco almost forgotten. I cared about those women—all women who didn’t recognize their own worth—but I couldn’t save them all from themselves. I laughed, knowing that’s not exactly what I meant but my thoughts were all jumbled about the events of the morning. I’d have to think about it again later, once I’d managed a little distance from the feelings of annoyance and frustration.

  Overall, I thought I was a pretty compassionate person, and even more so with my own growth and personal development. But I knew I couldn’t save the world—or all women of the world, rather.

  For now, I’d just focus on seeing my own improvement when it came to my reps at the gym.

  My phone dinged, interrupting my thoughts.

  Chapter 4

  I glanced down to see that the call coming in was from my sister, Madison, and debated picking up. I was nearly to the gym, and I figured she’d be calling to hear all about the group meeting she knew I’d been attending—and sometimes it was very hard to get off the phone with my sister.

  I relented, picking up on the fourth ring before it could go to voicemail.

  “Hello.”

  “Catherine, how was it?”

  “Madison…” I waited for her to acknowledge my silence with the same old rebuttal.

  “Sorry. I swear, it’s just so hard for me to call you Zara. Honestly, I think you should let your family continue to call you by your given name.”

  “You can call me Zara. That’s my name.” I was firm. It was like training new puppies with my family, but I knew if I was consistent, they’d finally get the picture of how important the name change was for me.

  I could hear Madison sigh on the other end of the line. “What, Maddie?”

  I smiled, knowing she’d get my point. Ever since Madison had started high school, she’d refused to be called Maddie, the name I’d given my big sister when I was only learning to talk.

  “Touché. Point taken.”

  I could hear what sounded like amusement in her voice, but I could never be sure with Madison these days. Her sense of humor seemed to disappear along with her chastity belt four years ago when she got married. I tried not to laugh out loud at my own joke and reminded myself that I really did need to keep the conversation short, as Braden was waiting for me and I was now pulling into the gym parking lot.

  “Anyway, Madison, sorry. I can’t really talk right now because I’m on my way in for a training appointment. What’s up?”

  “Oh, cool. It’s good to hear that you’re still going to the gym, Ca—Zara.”

  I smiled despite my annoyance at what I knew would be coming next.

  “How much weight have you lost then?”

  Yep, like clockwork, and it was the same conversation every time no matter how I explained my goals or what I said differently.

  “Madison, how many times do I have to tell you?”

  I really needed to get in the gym and let off some of this steam I was feeling. If I didn’t get off the phone with my sister soon, I was sure she was going to get the brunt of a lot of my frustration.

  “Look, can I call you back later? I really do need to go.”

  “Yeah, sure. I only wanted to see how the meeting went, but more importantly, I was hoping you’d come out to the house for lunch Saturday. There are two little boys here who barely remember who their auntie is anymore.”

  It was a good game move on Madison’s part. My heart lurched. It had been a long time since I’d seen my two nephews, and I adored them. I put my sister on speaker while I brought up my calendar on the phone.

  “Yeah, I can do Saturday. What time do you want me there?”

  “Great. Let’s say one o’clock, and I’ll make that Asian chicken salad that you liked so much the last time you were here.”

  I smiled again despite my annoyance. It was rare that my sister ever fed me anything other than salad, but I did have to admit that the one she was promising was excellent.

  “Good. I’ll see you then. Tell Alex and Chase that I can’t wait to see them.”

  “I will. And Zara…”

  “Yeah?”

  “Please don’t bring them any candy.”

  I was putting on lipstick and caught my reflection in the rearview mirror as I rolled my eyes. My poor nephews—so deprived of chocolate and gummy worms.

  “Whatever you say, sis.” I laughed. “Thanks for calling. Sorry I can’t chat more but we’ll catch up on Saturday, okay?”

  “Okay. Have a good workout. Don’t give up, Zara. Those pounds will be melting off in no time if you just keep with it.”

  Madison’s voice sounded all perky again. It was my sister wearing the mask. I was sure that had I been looking at her in person, I’d have seen it slip over her face, just as clear as day. I didn’t have time for a rebuttal now. Instead, I sighed, said a quick goodbye, and clicked off the phone before she had a chance to say anything else about my workout or my pounds.

  Chapter 5

  I smoothed my long brown hair back into a ponytail while I began my warm-up on the treadmill. I took a moment to appreciate that my sweatpants—a nice bright blue color that had caught my eye last month—seemed just a little less snug today. Despite Braden’s pleading, I’d refused to step on the scale at the gym. After years of an endless battle with the torture devise, I’d made my mind up once and for all that I was not going to measure my progress by the numbers on the scale. Finally, I’d agreed to let him weigh me once a month and only after he promised to keep that number to himself. He’d said that he needed it to be able to measure his progress as my trainer, even though he did admire my resolve and did agree that there were many other ways to measure my progress.

  I closed my eyes and listened to the whir of the treadmill and the sounds of my feet methodically taking their steps. I’d developed a little ritual of silently repeating a mantra that fit my mood for the day. Today my mantra was an old standby—my favorite description for myself since I’d changed my name to Zara—I said it in my head in four syllables instead of five as I took my steps on the treadmill. War—rior prin—cess.

  Most days I would have been coming directly from work to the gym, so, in general, my mood was often that of being stressed or frustrated about my boss and the job I’d grown to despise. I don’t know why I ever thought that working in finance would be a good fit for me.

  Well, that wasn’t exactly true. I wanted to make a lot of money, like so many of my peers in college, and I had been able to do that. I’d created a very good lifestyle for myself if one were to measure success by income level alone. More and more, though, I was realizing that there was nothing about my job at the bank that was making me happy, let alone leaving me feeling fulfilled.

  My thoughts were interrupted by a playful swat to my behind. I opened my eyes in time to see Braden coming in for a kiss to my cheek as he reached around to turn off the treadmill. Darn. I should have kept my eyes closed and accidentally moved my face slightly to the left to feel those lips on my own. I giggled, silently reprimanding myself as per normal whenever I saw my trainer and my friend—the key words being “my friend,” which I was constantly reminding myself of as we spent more and more time together.

  “Hey, gorgeous. You’re looking pretty fine today—even without my favorite pink spandex.” Braden laughed as he handed me a towel.

  “Hey yourself. Thanks for taking me on short notice. I needed to relieve a little stress.”

  “More than usual?”

  Braden knew about my disdain for my job and that my boss often stressed me out with the ridiculous way that he talked to me and his other employees.

  “Different than usual.” I saw the question on his face and did a gut check as to whether I should tell him about the meeting or not. Lately there wasn’t much that I hadn’t been sharing with Braden, though—he’d become kinda like my hairdresser—always getting an earful of m
y problems. But Braden also knew about all of the good things that were happening in my life. He’d become a great source of support to me and surprisingly had turned out to be one of my best friends.

  “I’ll tell you about it over some squats.” I laughed, stepping around him to grab my water bottle before we got serious about the butt-kicking I knew I was about to receive from him.

  “Deal.”

  “And you have to fill me in about your date last night.”

  Braden had shared with me that he’d begun online dating, which I found somewhat amusing. I’d never think that someone like him would have trouble meeting women, but he’d said that he was tired of meeting the same types of girls in the bars. He wanted substance and, at thirty-five, was ready to start thinking about settling down. I knew, at thirty-two, that I’d probably be thinking about settling down soon myself but I’d tried to push all thoughts of men out of my mind and just focus on myself this past year.

  “Ah, Natasha.”

  The way Braden said her name made me laugh as I started my first rep of squats.

  “Ah, Natasha as in you can’t get this exotic creature out of your head?”

  “No. I wouldn’t say that. She looked good on paper—or on her Internet profile, rather.”

  “As in a 5'10", 120-pound blonde model?” I couldn’t help myself, and I tried to laugh it off as I finished my last squat.

  Braden put his hands on my shoulders, and I swear he’d never looked at me so intently. It was a bit unnerving, to say the least.

  “Zara, why do you say that? Is that really what you think of me?”

  He looked hurt and I was instantly sorry for my hasty words.

  “No. It’s not. I’m sorry.”

  “Because that’s not who I am, you know. I mean, of course I appreciate a woman who takes care of herself, but that doesn’t mean that she needs to have the body of a model.” He grinned—probably at my discomfort because I was feeling pretty bad about what I’d said. “I mean, a lot of guys like a little junk in the trunk, so to speak—including me.”

  I could have sworn that he was eyeing my own trunk as he spoke the words, but I brushed the thought aside, anxious now to change the subject. Talking to Braden about his love life was new territory, and perhaps it was overstepping some bounds, even for the easy relationship that we seemed to have developed over the past several weeks.

  “Okay, so just chalking it up to not that much in common, then?” I really wanted to wrap up the subject of Braden’s date last night and move on to other topics.

  He seemed to be looking at me thoughtfully. “Yeah, I got the feeling that she wasn’t so interested in finding out anything about me. In fact, by the end of the date, it kinda seemed like she was fishing for some free training sessions—which I didn’t offer.” He winked.

  “Oh, well. I’m sure there are plenty of other matches to get through on this new dating site of yours.”

  “That is actually a fact, and we’ll see if my date with Evelyn tonight goes any better.”

  I wasn’t sure why, but my heart fell a little bit and I realized that I was hoping that the date with Evelyn would not, in fact, go any better. I shook my head, annoyed at myself for the direction my thoughts had gone.

  “Hey, bathroom break for me real quick.” I grabbed my towel and turned away from Braden.

  “Five minutes.” I heard him say as I rushed off.

  Chapter 6

  Once in the bathroom, I turned on the cold water and gave myself a couple of good splashes to my face, laughing as I thought about a time when I would have cared way too much about my carefully made-up face to do such a thing. I was long past that at this stage. Not that I didn’t like to put on my make-up and get dressed up—I did that quite often. The difference was that I no longer felt that I needed the make-up. It was kind of a mask of sorts and I recognized that now.

  I took a long look at myself in the mirror, reminding myself of all the hard work I’d done this past year to get to a place of self-acceptance. With one final deep breath, I dried my face off on my towel and set off to complete the remainder of my hour-long workout session.

  I had plenty of time to think about my love life later. This year was all about discovering me—my strengths and also the things that I truly wanted to work on—for me, not for any guy. After so many therapy sessions, I learned that I could only be happy by being honest with myself and acknowledging those things that truly made me happy. I was still a work in progress in this regard for sure, but I was committed to the process.

  I finished my workout, filling Braden in on what had happened at the meeting earlier. He seemed amused as he listened to me tell the story about how I’d gotten up to leave, directing my big exit speech toward the poor overweight women inside.

  “Zara, I think maybe you’ve missed your calling in life,” Braden said, laughing a little bit as he gently tugged on my ponytail.

  “What’s that?” I genuinely had no idea what he was talking about.

  “Well, you’re obviously passionate when it comes to women and their self-esteem. It’s not the first time I’ve heard you talk about it, and your whole face lights up when you do.”

  “You mean by how frustrated I get—that nice angry red color in my cheeks?” I laughed as I spoke, but something about what he was saying had piqued my interest.

  “Well, I’d say that the frustration is your passion for wanting other women to experience what you’ve experienced—your desire to help them. It’s one of the reasons I love my job as a trainer so much.”

  “So you think I should become a trainer?” I’d come a long way in how I looked at myself but this thought was a reach, even for me. I didn’t particularly like working out so much that I’d want to live in a gym twenty-four/seven like Braden seemed to do at times.

  “No, not necessarily a trainer.” He caught my eye. “Although you certainly could do that and be quite good at it, I think.”

  I nodded for him to continue.

  “But some type of a coach maybe. I don’t know. Just something to think about. I mean, it’s not as if you are loving your job right now.”

  “Well, that’s a fact that I wouldn’t argue with.” I leaned over to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. “And this is an interesting idea—worthy of further exploration.” I winked at him as I grabbed my handbag and water from the nearby bench. “But now, my love, I must depart. A glass of red wine and my recorded soap opera are calling me.”

  “See you tomorrow at six?” Braden said, flashing me his widest smile.

  It was our standing session time, right after work.

  “I’ll be there.”

  I loved Fridays.

  I’d had a normal dreadful day at work, followed by a great workout session with Braden. It really was amazing to me that I’d gone from being a person who hated anything to do with working up a sweat—unless it involved some handsome hunk in my bed, which was as rare an occasion as my working out back in those days—to someone who actually looked forward to getting on the treadmill and letting my frustrations out during a good workout session at the gym.

  Today had been no exception, and I also had a night out to look forward to. My friend Danielle and I had plans to eat dinner at a new restaurant, and then I was going to try my best to talk her into a night of dancing. It had been ages since I’d been out on the town properly and I had a new outfit I was dying to wear—not to mention a new booty a few sizes smaller that hadn’t been shaken in awhile.

  Danielle and I had been friends for years but since she’d moved in with her fiancé, Greg, we’d hardly seen each other. Apparently Greg was out of town for a work meeting, so I’d been able to convince Danielle that it was a good occasion for a girls’ night out.

  Chapter 7

  I kicked my shoes off and carried the glass of wine that I’d poured over to my sofa. I turned on some music with the remote control and eased back into the pillows that I’d carefully chosen with my decorator shortly after I’d bought my con
do last year. Looking around the room at the big screen TV, expensive furniture, and the gorgeous deep blue curtains I’d chosen, I knew that I should be feeling more content than I was. I was starting to feel so much better about myself but along with that was the growing dissatisfaction in regards to the career path that I’d chosen. I knew that the time was coming soon when I’d have to take a good hard look at my future if I truly wanted to be happy.

  When I’d chosen to go into finance, I was largely motivated by the money and the idea of being a real career woman—with a fancy apartment, car, and a wardrobe of the best ladies’ suits and jackets. Well, that decision had landed me all of those things, but now that I’d taken a closer look at my true desires and what I really wanted out of life, I realized that the job that was only slightly exciting to me at best when I started had become monotonous and boring—so much so, that I could hardly stand going to work on Mondays.

  I glanced at my phone; it had just buzzed with a new text. I smiled when I saw that it was from Braden. We’d had an exceptionally good workout today and he’d teased me afterwards about letting him treat me to a glass of wine. But I’d had my plans with Danielle, and he’d finally confessed to having a blind date later on in the evening also.

  Have fun tonight. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

  I smiled. Chatting with Braden always seemed to make me happy. If only—but I wouldn’t go there. I knew that he was way out of my league, and besides, we were just becoming really good friends. I would never want to ruin that. I thought for a minute before texting him back.

  I only wish I had the opportunity to do half the things you probably do on your dates. You have a good night too, ladykiller. Mwah

  I realized that I’d become quite flirty with Braden lately but it was only because he dished it right back to me—and because I didn’t really have many opportunities to flirt with men—by my own doing, because I’d put all thoughts of dating on the back burner until I was feeling one hundred percent comfortable in my own new self-assured skin.