Free to Risk Page 2

  It was just my imagination, but it felt so real.

  My ex-husband had once been good to me. He wasn’t a terrible man. Our lives had veered in different directions, but there was a time when he would comfort me in moments like these and I would believe in his promises.

  When I opened my eyes, I was alone again. With a sigh I picked up my phone. Maybe I could distract myself a little bit before I started in on the dishes, the laundry, and the endless list of things that needed to be done.

  I smiled when I saw that I had an e-mail from my friend Nicole. Our friendship was a virtual one, but I’d felt a strong connection to her ever since we’d met through the online support site I’d found—Forty and Free. I read over her words, and as usual, they were encouraging me to get back out there, to explore my options when it came to meeting men.

  I’d dated here and there, but nothing much had come of it. I always felt like there wasn’t enough time.

  But what I’d seen in the storage closet at work, as raunchy as it was, reminded me of a passion that I’d been pretending didn’t exist.

  Chapter 4

  I logged into the website and held my breath. I’d been avoiding it lately.

  Forty and Free was a place for singles over forty. Many of the members were divorced and some were just at a point in their lives where they felt ready for new romance.

  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to find romance or just browse through my options.

  After a few dating attempts, I’d tucked away the idea of finding someone new. I couldn’t even really conceive of it.

  I’d married young and my husband had been my first everything. Since dating again, I’d shared a few kisses and made some new friendships, but it felt awkward to be touched by another man. Despite knowing that I was divorced, and that my ex had moved on with his life, a part of me still felt as if I was cheating when I was on these dates.

  I’d worked through that with my friends, who did their best to support me, but none of them were in the same position as me. My younger sister Hanna was six months into her first pregnancy and married to the love of her life. My friend Samantha had a young daughter, also with a man she’d fallen madly in love with.

  None of my friends were divorced with children, aside from Nicole, which was why we’d bonded so easily. She could understand my hesitation to have anyone I didn’t trust around my children and the guilt I felt about their not growing up in a traditional household. And Nicole had found love again with Gavin, their marriage a testimony to her insistence that it would happen again for me too.

  As I pushed those thoughts away I tried to focus only on my desire.

  What if I was just single, not a single mother? What if I was just looking for romance, not someone to join my family?

  For a few minutes I allowed myself to imagine what it would be like to have no responsibilities. A lot more men on the website looked interesting to me then. I didn’t care if they didn’t have a job or didn’t want children or already had several children of their own. I wasn’t looking at them through the critical eye of a dating mom, but just the open heart of a curious single woman.

  That moment passed, however, and I narrowed down my search. As usual, it yielded a small amount of results. Not too many men in their forties were interested in a woman with children, and if they were, they usually had children of their own.

  My mind filled with visions of my boys fighting multiplied by two more children who were strangers to all of us. Would that be fair to them? To suddenly have siblings that needed my attention as much as they did? I wasn’t sure.

  After a glance back at Nicole’s e-mail that insisted I try to make at least one new connection, I decided to just take a risk. As crazy as things were, a little more crazy couldn’t hurt.

  I navigated through my list and selected a forty-five-year-old man with one daughter and two dogs. I had no idea if he would return my interest, but I sent him a brief message. At least it was something, a blip of difference in the routine of my day.

  Then I went to wash the dishes and check a few more things off my always expanding to-do list before I collapsed into bed. Just before I fell asleep, I checked the app to see if he had responded. There were no new messages. Well, at least I’d tried.

  I closed my eyes and felt the weight of a new day approaching. Maybe I would do better at being the me I wanted to be if I got some good sleep.

  I was almost asleep when I heard my bedroom door creak open and soft footsteps against the floor.

  “Mama?” Tyler’s sleepy eyes peeked over the blanket at me. “I had a scary dream. Can I sleep with you?”

  I patted the bed beside me, yawned, then wrapped my arms around him. As we snuggled together I wished I could protect him from all the scary dreams.

  He was soon sound asleep in my arms, while I lay awake with wild thoughts running through my mind. The last time I looked at the clock it was two hours before my alarm would go off.

  When it did ring, it felt as if I’d only been asleep for a few minutes. I slapped it off and pulled Tyler close. Maybe just one morning we could sleep in. Maybe just one morning we could ignore the alarms and the book bags and the drive to school and the—

  I gasped and sat up straight. I couldn’t ignore the brand new job that I’d just started. Being late on my second day was not going to make a good impression.

  I slipped out of bed, headed for the shower, and began to mumble my daily mantra. I am worthy, I am happy, I am strong. I repeated it through the entire process of getting ready. Even after the boys woke up, needing clothes that were still in the washer and with protests about heading off to school, I repeated the mantra in my head. It was what got me through my morning—most of the time. I just managed to get breakfast on the table when my phone chimed.

  I glanced at it and saw that it was a notification from the dating app. Someone had sent me a message. I didn’t know who and I didn’t have time to check it out, as Tyler dumped his bowl of cereal and Brady suddenly remembered that he needed his science notebook, which had been missing for a week.

  As I scooped up cereal, I tried to focus on my mantra, but my nerves were already beginning to fray.

  “Tyler, grab a banana, Brady, I don’t care what you have to do to your room, but find that notebook!”

  By the time we made it to the car, I’d forgotten all about the notification on my phone. I tried not to think about the milk stain on my pants as I drove off.

  Not my best morning.

  Chapter 5

  When I arrived at work I felt a little more comfortable. I was still dressed in business attire, but it was more casual. At least I knew what to expect.

  When I went to the storage room, I knocked first and was relieved to find it empty. I settled in my office and tried to get used to the idea of my new position. It demanded a bit more technology than what I was used to.

  As I struggled to navigate the new requirements, my phone beeped again. It reminded me that I had a message waiting on the Forty and Free app. I didn’t feel right checking it while I was at work, especially since the file I’d just sent through to a client hadn’t attached correctly and I had no idea why. The new sharing program that the company used was one I was not familiar with. I’d tried to search online for a tutorial but there were so many different versions and none seemed to be the right one.

  The more I tried, the more frustrated I became, mostly because I knew it should be quite simple. I was certain that my much younger coworkers would be able to do it with no problem—that if I admitted to one of them that I didn’t know how to do it, I would just be proving to them what a dinosaur I was. Instead, I decided to call Wes for help.

  As he answered the video call, I could already see the smile on his face.

  “Second day and you already miss me?”

  “More like I already need you.” I sighed. “I’m not sure I’m cut out for this job, Wes.”

  “What are you talking about? You’ll do great. You just have to relax. You l
ook tense.”

  “That comes from being in competition with people half my age.”

  “Please.” He leaned forward some so that his face filled most of the screen. “No one there cares how old you are. In fact, they’re probably all in a tizzy over how hot you are.”

  “Hot?” I rolled my eyes.

  “I can say that now.” He grinned.

  “I can still hang up on you, you know.” I quirked an eyebrow.

  “You called me, remember?” He smiled. “So how can I help?”

  “They use QuiShare and I don’t know—”

  “Oh, right, don’t worry about it. That system is such a problem. I don’t know why so many companies use it. Anyway, I just sent you a link to a step-by-step tutorial, but you’ll figure it out after the first few steps. It’s not hard, it’s just a little backwards.”

  “Thanks.” I felt a wave of relief as the link popped up in my e-mail. “You’re a lifesaver.”

  “Just keep that in mind. I’m going to ask for a favor in return—sometime soon, I’m sure.”

  “I will.” I smiled at him. “I hope you have a good day.”

  “I will now that I’ve seen that smile.”

  “Oh, stop!” I rolled my eyes again and hung up on him.

  As I read through the tutorial, I realized that he was right. It was a matter of reversing the order of the way I was used to doing things. Within minutes, I had the file sent off correctly to the client.

  The rest of the day passed by without incident until it was time to head home.

  “Hey, Noella, right?” A young woman stuck her head into my office.

  “Yes.” I smiled. “Gina?”

  “Yes. Listen, we’re all going out to this bar down the street. Newbies have to buy the first round.”

  “Oh.” I stared at her as I processed her words. Bars? Newbies? That wasn’t part of my world. “I’m sorry, I can’t. I have to pick my kids up from school.”

  “Oh.” She blinked. “You have kids?”

  “Two boys. They’re six and nine.” I reached for my phone to show her a picture.

  “Right, okay, good luck with all that. So, see ya.” She turned and hurried down the hall.

  As I stared after her I realized that we existed in two very different worlds. She was probably still finishing up college classes and I was saving up for my sons’ educations.

  After a short laugh I tucked my phone away. Yes, it was going to take some adjusting. But the pay was better, the hours were better, and I was going to make it work no matter what I had to do.

  As I was packing up for the afternoon, my phone beeped again. Since I was off the clock I grabbed it and saw that there were several messages waiting for me in the app. I decided to check them during the few minutes of silence I would have before I picked the boys up.

  There were five messages in total, all from the same man that I’d sent a message to.

  Hi there, glad you reached out. Can we get together sometime?

  The first message was innocent enough, if not a little sweet.

  Okay, I guess you’re busy. I’d like to make plans with you sometime soon. I’m a little new at this, so I’m not sure if I’m getting the brush-off.

  I cringed as I realized that I probably should have sent a message back.

  Okay, I’m just going to take the hint that you’re not interested. Have a nice day.

  “Ugh.” I sighed and skipped to the next message.

  Why would you send a message if you weren’t interested? Maybe you’re just busy. I’m sorry. All this online dating stuff makes me nervous. Anyway, if you’re still up for it, I’d like to get to know you better.

  “This guy sounds just like me.” I laughed. I’d sent similar messages as I waited for someone to respond before. The final message made my heart melt.

  Here’s the thing, whether or not you’re interested, I just want you to know that you’re a beautiful woman and I’m sure that you will find happiness.

  That was definitely someone I wanted to get to know better.

  I sent him back a quick message explaining that I’d been working and needed to pick up my sons, but that I was definitely interested and would send him another message as soon as I was free.

  As I left for the boys’ school, I felt a tiny buzz of excitement.

  There she was—that part of me that I’d been looking for—the part of me that was giddy about the possibility of getting to know someone new.

  Chapter 6

  Once the boys were tucked into bed, I couldn’t resist checking my phone again. I had one message back from Glenn.

  So sorry for the craziness. I hope I didn’t scare you off.

  I smiled as I took my phone into the living room. My heart raced so fast that I felt a little silly. But he was a handsome man, with a daughter of his own. He had to understand what parenting life was like. That might be a plus. And although I adored my boys, it might be nice to have a girl around.

  “Alright, calm down, Noella, you’re skipping ahead to becoming a blended family when you haven’t even met the man.”

  I cringed and sent him a message in return.

  Not scared at all. I understand the nerves. I feel them too. I’m looking forward to getting to know you.

  I flipped through his profile again as I waited for his response. He was in his forties also and appeared to have a pretty stable life. He worked, owned his own home, and his focus was on mature relationships. That was exactly what I was looking for.

  When the next message came through it startled me.

  Can we talk on the phone? Sending messages back and forth makes me feel like I’m texting and I’m too old for that.

  I laughed. Yes, I had to agree with that statement. I often struggled to keep up with my sister and the rest of our friends when it came to texting and social media. I was a little old-fashioned about things. Still, was I really ready to talk to him on the phone?

  There was a mound of laundry to fold and the dinner dishes to wash, as well as lunches to be made for the next day. I closed my eyes for a moment, asking myself if I wanted to be a mother in this moment or just me.

  I decided that it was time to let myself have a little fun. It was just a phone call and I could always hang up if things went poorly. As I sent the message back, I included my phone number. Then I began to pace.

  When would he call? Would he call? Had he changed his mind? What would my voice sound like to him?

  I hurried to pour myself a glass of water just as my phone began to ring. I answered it accidentally as I shuffled it from one hand to the other so I could put down my glass.

  “Hello? Noella?”

  I tried to swallow the water in my mouth but took a breath at the same time.

  “Hello, I’m here,” I gurgled out and coughed on a bit of water that had gone down my throat.

  “Oh wow, are you sick?”

  “No.” My cheeks burned with heat. “I’m sorry, I just took a sip of water and then—well, it’s a long story.”

  “It’s alright.” He chuckled. “I’m sucking on a cough drop because I’ve been told my voice is rough.”

  “It sounds smooth to me.” My cheeks grew even warmer as I realized that he probably thought I was flirting with him. But I was supposed to be, right?

  “Well, yours sounds nice too—now that you’re not drowning.”

  “Thanks.” I laughed, then grew silent.

  “I know, this is awkward.”

  “It is. I never really know what to say. Tell me about yourself.”

  “Uh, not much to tell, I guess. I mean, you saw my profile. That’s pretty much me.”

  “Right, that’s true. So, what do you like to do for fun?”

  “Honestly, hang out with my kid. But she’s a teenager now, so the last thing she wants to do is hang out with me.”

  “I get that. My nine-year-old looks at me like I’m an embarrassment way too often!”

  “See? One day we’re their worlds and the next we’
re outdated.”

  “So true.” I relaxed and began to speak freely to him.

  The conversation, which had started out awkwardly, soon began to flow and I laughed so much that my cheeks began to hurt. He wasn’t overly flirtatious, but he did seem confident, which I liked. By the end of the phone call, he’d begun to hint at plans to get together.

  “I’m sorry if I’m rushing you but I really feel like we connect. I’m forty-five. I don’t see a reason to take things slow.”

  “I understand. I think it would be nice to meet. I just have to make sure I have someone to watch the boys.”

  “Let me know what night is good for you and I’ll make sure I’m available. I mean that. We can work totally on your schedule.”

  “I appreciate that, Glenn. I’ll let you know as soon as I know. There’s a great coffee shop where we can meet. It’s called Common Grounds. Have you heard of it?”

  “Yes, I’ve been there a few times. It’s a nice place.”

  “The owner, Alex, is a friend of mine. I’m there at least once a week. Would that be an okay place for us to meet?”

  “Sure, that sounds great. Talk to you soon, Noella.”

  “I’m looking forward to it. Goodnight, Glenn.” I hung up the phone, my heart still pounding.

  The conversation had been pretty light, but I liked the way that he talked to me. He was respectful and seemed interested in my views on things. I knew I shouldn’t think too far ahead, but my imagination began to run wild.

  What if he was the one? What if he’d just showed up in my life out of the blue?

  The thought made my head spin.

  As I headed to bed, I knew that I would need to get some advice from my friends, otherwise I might scare him off by how eager I was. I barely knew him and yet the thought of spending time with him excited me. Was I that lonely that I would jump at the chance to spend time with any man?

  But Glenn didn’t seem like just any man. He seemed like someone who could be a lot more than that.